Aerian is not my birth name, but one I chose for myself many years ago. It's a Gaelic name, but I am not actually from Scotland or Ireland, though my ancestors were. Part of the reason for the drastic change, and perhaps the main reason, was that I needed to “become” someone new. To reinvent myself, as it were. To separate my old self from my very dysfunctional family. Also it was a way to connect to my Scottish and Irish ancestors and the love I feel for a land I’ve never been to, and to a people I’ve never known, but very much want to know.

As a child, I was horribly shy, introverted. Afraid of just about everything in the world around me, and afraid to talk to people, even on the phone. I did have a couple good friends in grade school(and later in high school) but mostly I kept to myself and tried to hide and not be noticed by teachers or other kids. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself and get made fun of even more than I was. In 6th grade I was 5’ 6” and basically a giant compared to all the other kids, and weighing more because of it. Not that I was overweight then, but I was called names that made me feel that way. Hence a life-long weight problem and a very low self-esteem which only adds to the problem of not fitting in.

My family was Christian and we went to church regularly. But here I got myself into trouble by asking the “wrong” kinds of questions about the Bible that didn’t make sense to me. I have always questioned what others said was “fact”. I wanted to know why it was so and why things had to be a certain way. That never set too well with other people, especially those in authority. It’s a huge contradiction I know, to have on the one hand this very shy girl, and on the other hand to have her fighting against the system, fighting against authority and people telling me what to do who didn’t seem any smarter than me. My father was the ultimate of bullies, and so I have always hated a bully, especially since I was bullied at school through high school. Funny that I would try to stand up to my dad at a very young age(the earliest I remember is 4 yrs.of age) to try and protect my mother, but I couldn’t do the same to my peers. Or in later life, bosses.

I was a type of feminist at a very young age. Seeing how my father and brothers, and most of the male world, treated women, I was always very outspoken about it. Nothing could make me angrier than the mistreatment of women and girls, even such things as girls not being allowed to wear pants in school(when I was a kid) and boys lifting up the girl’s skirts to look under them and not being punished for it; The “boys will be boys” syndrome.  As a young girl I wanted to be a boy. I wanted the freedom my brothers had and all the other males of the world. I wanted to be strong so no one could take advantage of me. But as I grew older, I was glad I was female. I didn’t want to be what men were, or the men I had known in my own small world. Today I am whole-heartedly glad I’m a woman.

And the older I got, the more outspoken I became on topics such as nudity of women (never men) in films, pornography (which I despise), and the rude sexual comments men made openly to women, especially in the work place. Not that I took any steps to change it…I felt it wouldn’t change, and felt incapable of doing anything about it myself. Especially as an adult woman with a weight problem. If such a woman complains, it is only seen as jealously over not looking like these young, thin, attractive females. I felt I couldn’t win.

I was married at 17, but finished out high school. This was a man I met through my mother and his mother, who worked together. We had an instant connection and fell in love right away. We were married 6 months after we met. My parents saw how deeply I felt and figured if they tried to stop it, I’d just run away, which is probably true. Our son was born 4 years later.

My husband was very outgoing, in contrast. He helped me see that I didn’t have to be a doormat. That I could stand up for myself. My marriage helped make me more confident. And it helped me to question more things, to read more, to research many subjects, to search for answers. For a time I left Christianity. I didn’t fit in with all there was in the belief system. I believed in a woman’s right to choose. I believed in life on other worlds, in everyone’s right to call God by whatever name, to practice a belief system that was right for them, and that they wouldn’t go to hell for it. I believed that homosexuals had just as much right as everyone to love, live, worship and even marry. I couldn’t abide the Church’s stance on homosexuality.  I started reading about Wicca and became a practioner of that faith. For me, it fit everything I felt. This of course was not a decision my family understood or supported. They thought I was doing something evil.

It was during this period that I and my husband changed our whole names. Only a small part of it was due to the religion. Many Wiccans do choose another name for themselves, but for me it was all the reasons I gave above, and also that I had never liked my birth name nor did I feel it was “me”. I learned by practicing this religion how prejudiced our country (and most of the world) is to other belief systems. This is where I really became an even greater misfit. But it also helped me in so many other ways; To be able to connect on the internet with other Wiccans and Pagans, to find that I wasn’t alone in this universe in my beliefs. To truly see the magic that is in the world all around us.

I gained more confidence in myself and started to write a fantasy novel, from an idea which had rattled around in my head for quite a time. I had always been a day dreamer, always dreaming up fantasy worlds and places I’d rather be. So once I started writing, I learned how much I loved it. To have such an outlet to express myself in was wonderful. To be able to create whatever I wanted, from landscapes to people to magic to a truly evil enemy. It’s very dark in parts, so I have never finished it. I haven’t ever believed it was anything anyone else would read. But I have enjoyed writing it nonetheless and feeling a connection to the characters in it. I have been working on it for many years.

After 27 years of marriage, with many ups and downs, my husband died suddenly of a heart attack while my son and I were out Christmas shopping. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I was completely lost. I had hidden from the world all those years, letting my husband take care of everything, bills, working, etc. I stayed home and raised our son. I loved being home. I felt safe there, away from people who could make me feel fat and ugly, away from the stress that a job creates which I couldn’t mentally handle.

I had no help from my family. They wouldn’t even come to the memorial service since it was at my friends’ house, who happened to be Lesbians and non-Christians. They felt as Christians they couldn’t expose themselves to such things. This was the worst period in my life. I came close many times to taking my own life, for I didn’t see a future for myself. I couldn’t abide living alone, without a partner, without love, and I had no clue how to take care of anything. I got so low and my religion was of no comfort. I went back to my old faith then, for I didn’t know where else to turn.

And coincidentally or not, that is when things started to turn around. People were put in my life who helped me find work and my friends helped me with creditors. Through one of these jobs I found my current husband. He truly is a soul mate and a wonderful man; Exactly who I had prayed for. We have been married over 2 years now and I am very happy. He has a weight problem too, and we continue to struggle with this. It has caused a rift between his family and me. They are into exercising and health, and my mother-in-law thought it was my responsibility to help my husband lose weight. My in-laws are also very sarcastic people, and they make jokes at other people’s expense, something my father and brothers did.

I am perhaps too sensitive, but at this point in my life, I cannot be around people who will not respect me, and who continue to make comments and not-so-subtle innuendos about weight, house keeping, etc.

Another example of how I am still a misfit and will never fit in. I have always seemed to have a way of driving people away. And I really never know how or why. I don’t know if it’s because I talk too much or say and do the wrong things, but regardless, I have never found a close friend since high school. Friends come into my life, but always leave. This recent episode with my in-laws is what drove me to search the internet for other misfits. To see if I could finally find a place to belong.

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